Me and my assisting partner teaching them or the little angels teaching us, the so called teachers, how to love, laugh and live.. ??
Me and my assisting partner teaching them or the little angels teaching us, the so called teachers, how to love, laugh and live.. ??
Thirty years ago, this time of the year, so eventful for her, can never forget, when their eyes met..
For her, it was her first Love, that too at first sight, she didn’t know till then what Love was like..
Neither did he know then, nor does he, still now, hers is the heart, where he still resides..
The way he looked at her with those dreamy eyes, gifted her a meaning, changed her outlook on Love, for life..
She, on her seventeenth spring, met her Prince charming, till then, for whom, Love was only possible in films..
That’s when, she got to know for the first time in her life, the feeling of attraction, how was it like..
She started to meet him often, but, in her day dreams, in college, while attending class lectures, she listened nothing,
Imagining him, sitting beside her, among all other friends, in their college canteen..
While immersed in a book, in silent library hours, his dreams helped her know, her feelings for him..
Engrossed in his thoughts, while putting date, below a poetry she wrote, in her ears, suddenly whispered her seventeenth year..
“You’re the most beautiful girl on this earth”, made her dive into an ocean of beautiful new world of He and Her’s..
Overnight, she grew up, into a complete new person, played miracle, her self woven dreams..
A beautiful world opened before her, all this while, everything around seemed to her, so divine..
An evening such came, when, they happened to go for a stroll, with their friends, in their lane,
Her head downwards, playfully, her eyes peeped beside, to match her steps, in order with his, to put all the four walk together..
Her steps playing so near, he, totally unaware, that both were together, yet not together..
Her eyes wanted to yell, her lips stopped, “Don’t tell”, as destiny changed her destination, so did his as well..
They did drift apart, but his image still sculpted in her heart, he never ever got to know, whose heart it was..
If just one look, ignited such a long lasting love, either the look magical, or surely, a touch of the divine, in her heart..
Where, even thirty years later, he still resides.,”Why”.. when asked, “There’s a divine pleasure in silent love”, she answered..!!
vulnerable, I’m feeling,
how to stop it from visiting,
but I also know..
I shouldn’t do it.,
rather, should wait..
certainly, for the right moment,
if, it is its time, how much I stop it,
it’ll come back again,
If let free..
when its time gets over,
It won’t stay a bit..
not even an extra bit,
It’ll certainly go forever..!!
Just as too much of a good thing can be bad, too much happy feelings can end up making us sad..
.. enough of poetic verses, enough of brain works, Typewriter eager to type some heart to heart words.
Enjoying a quality time with her keys, in her home, alone, while, for some work, husband and son were out of station..
.. she called them up, in their leisure, informed, one of their favourite singer’s concert, being aired on television.
Instantly, she started feeling a bit less alone, as if sitting with them, watching the programme altogether..
.. after a while, a reluctant she, texted, “Hey guys, watching..?? Though we all are apart, but gives us the feel, all of us together.
“Hope, you both are also enjoying the same programme as me, what say, you, father and son..??”…
.. “No, glued to some other show, that one we aren’t, will watch it later on”.. to her, their reply comes..!!
She could hear something crack, from inside her ears, could feel the scratch in her heart, peeps out her besties, her tears..
.. she felt, she wouldn’t have hurt herself, if she hadn’t thought of them, without letting them know, she alone could have easily enjoyed it herself.
Sometimes, some trivial issues leave you shaken, realising, how much we are tied with the people around..
.. know why..?? Only for a smile.. to give them and while they are away, to have a good time.
She played her part of sharing and caring, but from the other side if we see, it’ll seem, too much of her assumptions were expecting..
.. but, is this actually the smile she wanted to bring on to their lips or on her own.. she again started thinking from a different perspective.
Her Mind said., “Don’t overreact, it’s but very normal, they were far away, having their own time their way,
.. agreeing to her Mind, for the first time, said her oversensitive heart.,”Yes, this time the fault was yours, your thoughts need to learn much and change even more.”
While waiting for Life’s line,
praying hard to see its moves..
to see, it dancing, in the tunes..
of the beeps of the..
When Life’s graph..
starts rising upward,
again, helplessly diminishing,
to that point of no return..!!
When all the doctors hands,
stand still, on the..
their retinas glued..
reading the heart’s route,
silence surrounds the ICU..!!
Breaths gasp for life, to and fro,
each one praying for HIS mercy,
all waiting, to watch HIM,
play his miracle..!!
HE smiles, watching us..
as we all readily gave in to HIM..
finding medical science silent,
with its muted machines,
hence, Life breathes in,
thus, helping HIM win..!!
Today, bumped on some of my most precious belongings from this life, my old diaries.
After I got married, I left those back at my parents place. But that was for a while. In one of their visits, my parents brought them to me, knowing well what those old diaries meant to me.
It started quite late, contrary to when my mother wanted it to start. Finding me to be a very quiet and introvert child from the very beginning, she understood that I needed to vent my words and feelings out somewhere. And what can be better than a diary. So she tried hard, to ingrain the habit in me from quite an early age. Whereas, to me, it was more like studying, as it involved a pencil and a paper again..!! I preferred to be spending quiet time with nature, gazing at the blue sky, the flying birds, the little pot plants, watering them and their greenery, the dancing flowers, the blooming buds etc.,.
A time came, getting irritated to my mother’s continuous nagging, I gave in to her wishes. Was in my early teens, I started it with a diary entry. Somewhere I went, as a Sunday outing, on a picnic, with family. Still feel like laughing while going through those lines now. Those lines are filled with descriptive explanations,.. how we all got up early in the morning, got ready, what we ate, how we dressed etc.,. Putting time and date on one side, followed by the description of my day, well spent. How I spent my days, in school, in my neighbourhood. About my favourite teachers, what and how they taught, whom I liked, whom I hated and why..?? About my friends in our colony, who fought with me, whom I fought with, I agreed with whom, who agreed with me, whom I helped, who helped me and how I felt.. everything..!! Gradually and unknowingly, it grew up in me as a habit. I started to fall in love with it. Amidst my whole day’s routine, I had to sit with it once, however late it be. I started to hide our love now, which once was introduced by my mother only..!! You know World, what the best part was., I used to treasure my diary like the most precious gem in my life. I’d do every possible things to hide it from my world then, my parents, my sister..!!
Today, I’m really thankful to my Maa, under her farsightedness, who continuously kept on poking me to write, in order to create thoughts, of my own, on my own, to develop my creative writing skills. Though I started, a bit unwillingly, but it helped me out like nothing. My love for reading developed as well. Writing, anything it may, also developed side by side. As soon as I held my pen, I started scribbling whatever came in my mind. I still remember, in childhood, I used to love only one period in school, the one which was scheduled for Hand Writing. The cursive way attracted me too much. The designing way of writing simple letters, the artistic style in which our pencil was to be moved in order to create a beautiful writing style of our own. I remember, I used to watch other classmates, how they wrote the letters, straight or slanted, whether slightly inclined towards left or towards right, which looked good, which one I felt interested to follow..!!
Still remember.. the day, my father took me out a diary, though an old one, but it looked like a new one, and I was so so excited. Till today I remember, I wasn’t ready to leave it for a second, away from my eyes. The grin on my face wasn’t ready to leave me at all and now I recollect and enjoy such innocence in me.
Anyways.. I crossed my teenage with my Love beside me, in a quite happening way. Entered college…
Now you can well imagine, what, how and where my writings headed towards, as I headed towards college. The special feel, from those first stares, the excitements in getting one glimpse a day. ( As if they were more than enough to live life forever in that trance.) Those out – of – the – world feeling from that one glimpse. Ahha.. heavenly..!! All the crushes, the blushes, feelings, hallucinations, the dreams, the admirations, the infatuations. Those proposals, those unread love letters passed through friends, the ways how to handle them each. With or without, the expected or unexpected emotions attached to them, as per the situations demanded., my diary read each and every word, everytime, so patiently. Each and every ‘Firsts’ of mine, my diary got to know.
Then came marriage. With it, came wifehood, motherhood, womanhood and so on… Many more ‘Firsts’ got added in my diary pages. The diaries also grew in number by then as well.
Life rolled on, in turns. It started to seem very different, but, the love being in me, stayed by me, always, for all.. it seemed smooth, a sail.. since stayed my diaries, always beside me.
.. Today, I claim to love my Maa, for everything else apart, more so for this reason, that she nagged, she made me bound to start teaching my pen speak for me.. the best gift my Maa gifted to me, apart from my Life, is something which stayed here beside me, to cling on to, when none around to listen to my silent words.
She wanted me, her silent doll, learn to put into words, my silent thoughts, by growing the habit of writing and pouring them out.. somewhere, somehow.. to keep on holding herself boldly, to carry on with this vast life, strongly.
She knew.., her silent doll.. needs to learn to clear out her choked throat, by herself.,
.. needs to learn to wipe her tears, by herself.,
.. needs to learn to understand others ‘Feelings’ and convey her own to them too..
.. she has to grow up and her pen and papers only can help her do that, when she’s not there to do it for her doll.. anymore..!!
Thank you Maa, for introducing me with my all-time Love, my papers. My only wish left now, when I die, I want to be cremated with all my papers, altogether, in my pyre..!! 😇💕
Feelings.. feelings.. feelings.. Huh..!! Me and my Feelings..!!
This is again one such moment, when I’m enjoying my best time, feeling blessed to be with my other pieces, my fragments, my Feelings. We all are so inseparable. They are always my constant companions. They are the only ones, who make me feel alive.
They love to talk to me, and so do I. We talk about so many things, rather every single thing under the sky. They never judge me, rather always take my side, may be sometimes too much biased with me and my ways. I love my Feelings. They are very tender, they are way too kind, but again they are way too scared of today’s unpredictable world. They have been befooled a lot of times, not only before, but even now. They have got lessons for being kind, still, they won’t stop, since, they enjoy being kind. This is where I beg to differ with them. It makes them feel good. They feel for everybody around them. They feel for the people who think negatively for them too, who try to harm them, want to misguide them, so that they are in trouble. But my Feelings, they are so adamant. They justify themselves saying that they feel a strange happiness, a strange satisfaction in being kind. They witness all the ill activities going around them, still they keep a benefit of doubt for those people. They love to think otherwise, to think differently, and try to give a non-judgmental look towards all. They love to lend their thought shelter for them and look after the reasons behind such activities. Whereas, mostly, just the opposite occurs. People take advantage of those Feelings and often get a go, with a clean chit. At such times, my Feelings throw cute little satiric smiles and move on with a dignity of their own. As if, it’s their loss who misused them. They’ll stay guilty, they won’t be able to face themselves. Whereas my Feelings feel good that they stay compassionate, try to help all around them.
Every single act of ours, the silent mind within, witnesses them, keeps track of those and remembers each and every action it goes through, forever. Their impressions on all good or bad activities, stay there forever, thus forming guilts or satisfaction, as per the deeds. So, taking advantage or misusing the Feelings, pays them heavily from within, for sure. This is how my Feelings come up to console me with. So that I do keep on believing in kindness again., So that my faith on being compassionate, continues.
To me, showing kindness is loving, respecting is loving, keeping patience is loving, believing is loving, and like these, any form of understanding is loving.
My feelings are my blessings as they serve me immense peace and happiness.
I may be an emotional fool, but at the end of the day, I enjoy a sound sleep, and that’s due to my inner happiness, my inner satisfaction, for being successful in keeping the real Me intact.. after years of so many changes in life and its ways.
Yes Life, you and your ways changed, but, Me and My Feelings didn’t.
I am what my Feelings are, how they have shaped me with Time.,
I Feel, therefore I Am..